My Journey of Graduation: Autobiography

My Journey of Graduation _-09/09/2020

This was the time of Summer 2016; I was passed out from Intermediate and seeking for choosing my career in the Education. I had applied many Places like CCSU, Meerut; JEECUP, and learning Computer.

Suddenly One day, Brother of a friend come to me and discuss about my education Carrier. I was clear to do B.Sc. from SSV College, Hapur, affiliated by CCSU, Meerut but not Polytechnic from Ingraham Polytechnic, Ghaziabad. For visit, He took me a college, SGIT for Engineering in Electronics and Communication Engineering. I was clear even now to do B.Sc. Because this is efficient to me. I hear about Engineering that It’s ruined. Only weak students do this. I laughed on them. Because this fee was very high to me and he was busy to push me in Engineering.

We met HOD of Engineering regarding this. He was busy to do something actually in his phone, even he did not talk to us nicely. But we visited the campus. Now the timing to do register yourself to do B.Tech., I was no ready and they are asking One thousand rupees immediately. They were excusing continuously to please me and take to admit me in very relaxation fee.

I know my standing. So, When I back to home, I did not discuss to my parents on this.

I was going to take admission in Polytechnic, I was selected in Ingraham Polytechnic, Ghaziabad for IT Engineering. Even, I was going to submit my counselling fee, which was Three Thousand rupees, and this was last day to submit. When I went there, I did not satisfy from college Campus, yet I discuss about fee, this make me surprized, was Thirty Thousand per year. Now, I decided to back from this. Because I was not ready for fee and I back to home, and now I told all the happenings of there to my Parents. I was sad, and come back to my decision of B.Sc.

Co-Incidentally, I get call from a girl. She was introduced herself as the employee of SGIT, Ghaziabad. Normally, I don’t hear spam calls. But What the God was planning, I didn’t know. I picked up the call and they set the fee on Fifty Thousand per Year. I knew my condition, and put my situation before her. She gave me appointment of 4’o clock in the evening. I discuss this with my parents and go to college campus.

As, I reached at college main gate, a form was filled for security purpose, and had to signed by meeting person, I didn’t know this and I was perplexed twice for this. I reached to Admission Cell and met that person, names Alka Parihar, prized by then Chief minister of Uttar Pradesh, Hon’ble Akhilesh Yadav. She discussed about my career and counting the benefits of Engineering and fee was done Forty-five rupees per year. This was kept in my mind that Polytechnic would be done in Thirty Thousand, then why should I not do B.Tech. instead of Polytechnic, a small version of Engineering. I was learned very well by my father to say Thirty thousand rupees for that course. I put same before her. Finally, the deal was done for Thirty-five thousand per year. I was very happy that day. I returned home and say proudly this fee before them and I was also the son of my father, so I explain the benefits of B.Tech. very widely, may be If this would hear, SGITians, they would increase the fee.

Finally, That was the time to take the admission in SGIT, another person with my Father and me, who is the whole seller of garments, and sells to us and having some knowledge about courses because his son was pursuing BCA from another college, Sunder deep College of Engineering, went there to take the admission, submitting the fee, and fulfilling the parental duty. And That another person forced them to reduce fee more, and Dean of college, Prof. Vinish, joined his hands before them and I can’t stop my laugh on this.

Now the Admission has been done and I was called by SGITians on 30 July, 2016 for visiting purpose.

I went there with my friend; whose brother encourage me to take admission in B.Tech. We talked very more in the whole class. Faculty, Ass. Prof. Arun Kumar Pandey, was Chemistry Teacher and Ass. Prof. Tribhuvan Sharma, was Maths Teacher, was taking the class. But we were now. Then chemistry teacher called me, because I was the one who was talking continuously than all the class with my friend, and Scold me in funny way, said, “This is First day of you and you are talking continuously, how will you manage four year of this course?” This make me hurt. How a person can scold me and I decided not to do this again.

1^st Year: The Introducing & Learning Year

First year of my college was as introducing year to me. Because I was very limited environmental person as I did not mix into the society or person. Now story turns more interesting.

Next day, this was 2 August, 2016, again all the student collected in class room, room number 202. I took the seat at row-2 and column-3 from the door side.

Teacher was not available then, So I started my limitless talking with the same person. But just back from my row, a person with another person was challenging me in talking. Seem, He was very more talkative than me, I thought.

But this person changed my mindset as I thought all are selfish, but he was very helpful. And I decided to do the same. This was the positive changing person.

Admission of collegemates were on process, many faces were coming to know. But One day, I saw a girl. She was too slim that I never see like her (name would be invisible). This make me laugh and satisfy because I was also very slim but very fat before her, although my weight was only around 55 at 17 years.

Many characters were introducing for 15 days regularly. As there were two types of engineering students, i.e. Civil Engineering and Electronics and Communication Engineering. So, this make my experience better. I spend more than six months to understand this who is from which branch.

I learn a very more in these days, a classmate, who was topper, as he secured very good rank in entrance exam, and in his schooling also, was very helpful, but was not for me. And this was the first time when I could see various positive in one place.

Four-five student used to sit behind the seat of Girls, three girls used to sit, one of them was that one slim girl, second was who was pretty, but having boyfriend, even this was saying that he was doing B.Sc. but for his boyfriend, she got admitted in B.Tech., I don’t know reality till today, and third one was very low in height, and boys was attracted to them. I laughed on them and saying ‘dicker’.

Everybody was funny character. But most was, a student of civil engineering, who used to insult them. One day, he said so tight that I was dying from laughing, he told to those that they could not do anything, if those could do, could change his name. Perhaps he was very confident, they could do nothing till now.

I only get entertained from this and guessing who is intelligent and who is dull. One day that slim girl came to class first time. I did same. As I predict that she is very intelligent, but when she told his percentage of intermediate, that was very low, I shocked, how might I be wrong? After getting her first semester result, I get confirmed that I did not say wrong.

A student from Aligarh, Ravi Sharma was very dull in study as he doesn’t know addition, multiplication and basic mathematics and English also, was from Aligarh. He was insulted by teacher continuously two hours, So, have to cancel his admission from Civil Engineering. I was very sad for him, as he should not get admitted or if had taken, should not cancel. Even Many Student have to cancel their admission and was deducted their Fee. This was negative point of College.

 But I like to sit with a person, who was not only classmate but also a schoolmate. I never thought that our friendship would take longer, even after the school this was out of mind. May be, He was that person, who provides me a positive energy, a motivation, a path, a highest peak of career. I never see below when I was with him. I thought that he was not practical, because I never see any type of negativity on his face, this was the thing which take me near to him. He is my best friend till today.

But he leaved my zone in the middle of semester, hardly three months because of a problem.

The problem was that, A call from Director of Management, Prof. Smt. Bhavna Aggarwal, was going to our life ruined, as in the mid of sem. They people ordered us to leave the college or change the branch, because the branch, Electronics and Communication Engineering was going to shut down. They made to excuse as there are few students in ECE branch so they have to shut off.

When we were leaving the college, another civil Engineer Student from Bihar seems very sad because of leaving his friends also and ask for my contact number so that he might reach to me any time. This make me shocking because I never meet by heart. Because I believe when someone leave, make us hurt very much.

On this day, our teacher caught us (me and my school friend) to use mobile phone during the lecture, pound these, and hand over to HOD. But we don’t care about this, even in the lab period, she asked password of our phone, perhaps She wanted to know what was watching in phone, my phone was new and attractive, so she used it, and I told her to connect this to Wi-Fi of college, that was the time, data was too expensive.

When After the college was getting off, we ask for our mobile. I told in the very cool way that we are going to this college. This is not good with us, and whatever in mobile. Once, she became to tremble, why we are leaving and she give back our mobile phone.

May be this saying was easy to say, but not practically. This made me upset when I was not going to college next day. This was that time I got depressed very much and was thinking what would happen to me. My mother understood me, she told my father in front of me that by any way, by any means ‘He’ would study in this College, we would take the advice of lawyer. May be that was the first time, when I hear about lawyer by the mouth of my parents. Otherwise they don’t believe in this. Maybe they were not able to see me in this condition more.

Next day, He went to my college, I was gone already, raved to the Administrator. And after this dramatic matter, the result was in my favour. But I had lost my college friend in this.

I became very alone now and searching a new friend. Perhaps I had met another boy, other classmates thought that he was my brother or we know each other since before college time. But here was the issue that I wanted to be leader but He leads, and confirms everything to me, that was not liked. So, I decided to change my mate and chose a dull boy from Civil Department. But after some time, I did not like this environment.

But One day, I was sitting behind the third seat from the girls’ row in their column, A person from Second seat ask me my phone perhaps he need urgently because his father called him, but due to network problem, he was not able to listen him. That was the time when data and call was very costly and I used another app to earn recharge. I had won One hundred rupees recharge. I handover my phone to him, he called and forget to disconnect the phone. He gave me my phone after calling, I did not look on the screen, and kept it in my pocket. When it gets hot, I checked on screen, I got surprized and anger. But I did not say him a single word. After I realized He was lucky for me, As I believe in Luck. And I decided to take him in my zone. Actually, he also got a benefit from me, as I was good in every subject while he was not strong in every, When Teacher asks to him, sometimes I help him, because of same reason. This meaningful zone, change my environment and make us friend.

I would like to tell you why was I join his group, actually the second reason was that, I never sit behind the girl. And Don’t know what feeling was awaking? Really, very hard to say but soon I leave this seat, but not group of those.

I was high thinker at that time, I used to think that Someday, a girl would love me, and I will reject her, to saying that I love other tills today, for knowing that girl you have to go in my past, in my high school time, (will be published soon)

Now, I was passed first semester, but even now, I don’t know who was from my branch and who was from civil. In the second semester, when we were going to visit Taj Mahal from college, on that day, our result of first semester was declared, I was failed in one subject, this make me sad, but the excitement of visiting was more than this. So, we decided not to discuss about result because I was not only that who was fail.

During the Travel, I was only guy who was listening the hymn, ‘Shree Radhe, Radhe Barsane wali Radhe…’ another was busy in their entertainment, perhaps I was feeling alone in crowd.

In the travelling bus, I found many funny characters, A student from our branch asks to maths teacher if he would check the assignment today, which was last day to submit. Would I tell a secret? When the both two buses, in which about 100+ student were travelling, stopped in the way for the break, Everybody, except the girls, starts Urination nearby the road, a big line of those made a big human chain, I clicked the photo of those. As the edible things were safe in our bus, A hungry person eat all the snacks, cold-drink and juice, so most of the person was left to eat. After seeing this, teachers scold him and provide food for leftists.

After reaching the destination, the boring instructions was given to us. I get excited more to see foreigners there. I want to handshake and click a photograph with them. Now, I did not want to see the Taj Mahal, my goal was just to take pictures with them. I tried a lot, some of them, I got failed. But for me the important was my success.

After outing from Taj Mahal, We Shopped fiercely. When we go to a shop for buying a thing, this make that crowd. I don’t like shopping, but by forcing by another, I bought the famous sweet of Agra, Pan Petha.

 A person had no money to buy, he borrowed from me and I give him. When I asked him for my money, he cried on me. May be this give me another experience.

So, this was the tired and very good travelling was, till today, I never enjoy like this.

When We are returning to home, again the discussion was started on the result. I told my teacher about the result, now I was very shameful and he was shocked because both of us did not expect this result.

After a week in February 2017, there was the Euphoric, Annual Fest, The Poet, Kumar Vishwas came for his concert. Before this concert, I thought he was very ill person, as I heard. I get impressed by his poem ‘Koi Deewana Kehta Hai, Koi Pagal Samajta Hai’. Now My life turned again as I decided to write, what I am doing from that day.

After someday of this concert, College announced that, those can go for visit of parliament of India, whose attendance was greater than Seventy-Five, I stand in that, But HOD ordered to change in announcement that only those can go, who’s scored is above Eighty. I become very sad because this was taken what was given to me, as I did not stand in this.

Another friend was stand in this offer; he went. He teases me on this till today. But worse than me, happened with a boy. As he was topper, he lyres in this, but could not go because he was absent for many days, and after hearing this, he came to college.

Now I keep my zone with two those, one who was lucky for me and another who has incredible knowledge. Another reason was to make those zone was that, He was frank with girl and I become hesitate in front of girls, because I never talk with girl before this and I want to kill this hesitation.

But this problem was not only mine, mostly student from U.P. board as I observed. This turned my direction towards the welfare of student who gets hesitate, or can’t frank with parents, friends or others, and I planned and after one year I launched own FB page for help, as I was busy in college since morning to evening, so this was only for night shift as after 5 o’clock to 10 o’clock.

But in the lunch our zone increases up to 12 boys, and share their lunch box with each other. But I did not like to eat another food. Why? This have another suspense. But anybody can enter in my lunch box, perhaps I could not deny to enter.

This is the semester where I hear about CR, i.e. Class Representative. HOD of ECE and faculty of Electronics hire a CR. The most interesting was that some of person was not frank with name of CR even that was not who was hired. It was revealed, when during the practical exam, a person asked him what was the meaning of CR, he replied,’ one who help the teacher’. The person laughed on him saying if he was peon.

I remember when there had to practical examination and there was the fear in every student heart because he was very strict person, but I don’t worry about this, at last he was impressed by my answer, although I was no confident and was average student. I don’t know what was the magic on that day.

So, The First Year was very learning year for me.

 

2^nd Year: The Enjoying Year

When I get Enter to 2^nd year of my course. Every thing was same I did never expect that the life will get too much enjoying, may be this enjoyment I got in my High School.

I can remember that I was absent on first day of the 2^nd year. May be this was very wrong with me. I lost the enjoyment of that day as the classmates explain me. But the second day was better as A new faculty staff was come to know, new building, new class, AC room, whole around books and computer, no noise, very good environment. But No room was allotted to us, actually that was labs, but I was satisfied, because I thought I could study as personal tutor teach.

Should I share the first day experience? Let’s I will. On that day a new female teacher was taking our class but the surprizing thing was she was doing conversation only to the students. A student from them asked her if ‘there was any new admission for lateral entry’. Ma’am replied ‘yes’. Next question was, ‘was there any girl?’ Again, replied ‘yes’. ‘How was she, beautiful? 'asked with excitement. “No, she is black and not so beautiful, and also very aged, from Delhi but good in nature” She replied. This made his person very confusing. I was listening those conversation without interest. But this make me keen to see this girl once. I was deep in my imagination. That how would she looks. Because I had heard that People from Delhi lives very high-profile life and before this, I never visit any place. So, I thought Delhi would look like Very Big building, very big cars, buses, standard life because many actors from Bollywood, PM of India, foreigners etc. as I watched in Television. But when I heard that she was not-attending student, this make me helpless. Because I wanted to see him at any cost. The excitement was limit-less. But When I heard his name, the excitement went to hell. The reason was, I hate the person of this name, too much that I hate this name also, when I think about that person, I become very curious and lost control over me.

Now I leave this deal. I want to focus my study because I was failed in one subject last year. This make me very anxious. At any cost I want to top the class.  But this was temporary. Not failed, but not stay, where I want this year.

I feel alone in the class sometimes. But I had to spend 3 years more in this situation. So, I decided to change in myself.

On the behalf of student, Topper of class appealed to HOD for allotting us a separate room where we can study but not in labs. And HOD have allotted also. On that day, there have to an interaction programme with our seniors. Some have no issue with those, but I don’t like to live with them. Another student dance as he told those it was his hobby. I also give my introduction but I was very low confident. I always scare and want to live alone; the root of this, was accident happened in my 6^th standard.

On my Birthday, not only me but many classmates even a teacher was excited. But when I got a message of birthday wishes from unknown number, this made my day; it was from a girl. I never get birthday wished via message, from girl never.

When I went to college, I was welcomed as a celebrity, everybody wishes me my birthday. My teacher, my classmate everybody. But I became nervous, when a senior girl, give me wishes by shaking my hand, my body get vibrated. As I never touch a girl, no a girl. Result of this was, when she wished me happy birthday, Nikhil. I replied, Same to you, and then Happy Birthday. She was also get confused on me. I was feeling very guilty on this, but want to reform myself.

Now the journey turns to a new point. As I decided to reform, I chose mice on this practical. I started my talking on this day because the occasion was my birthday, and this was good offer for me to start a conversation with a girl. Then I chat to her day and night after this accident, what is late night, what is sleeping, I forget.

That unwanted morning came, that girl from Delhi has been come to college. As I enter at the floor of my classroom. I see a new girl, I never see this before, was not in uniform, I think that is new admitted and visiting college alone. But an order come from that teacher whose describe that girl very briefly, that I have to visit her my classroom. After very more time I get that, she is that girl for whose I was waiting but not want to meet. Yes, she was that, whose name I hate very much. Now, I control myself and talk to her normally, but no more. Because there was still some hesitation to talk with a girl.

I want to win this battle of my hesitation as a professional by any means. Now, I found other mice for this practical in civil. Now I become familiar with girls and has been known what to say, what not to say, and how to say. This was my big win. Very big Thanks to that girl.

We combine with civil engineering student in common subjects. One day when the lecture of common subject was going on, a girl snatched my pen, which was my birthday gift, by my sister. I thought she will give me back, but she didn’t. I asked for this but she refused to give me back. This process was going on for many days

But One day, I don’t know what I said, she came to me and gave me back that pen. This was surprizing for me. I get confused why she give me back, actually I need that pen but she was in anger that time. This is very confusing to me even today.

I can remember that day, there was started my debate on politics with HOD of ECE. Actually, I was very active in politics, and want to be Prime Minister of India. Although this was not my dream, but whom was, was very important to me, too much that I could do any thing for her, Yes! I was in love. But this was crush of my high school. One day, she counted the problem of India with me and the solution was own doing the work. But…. She leaved me but I did not, even today. I want to live in her talking, in her saying, in her things, in her street, in everything which make me near to her, but not with, because of my attitude. Even now I used that area for walking where she lives, on that hope maybe she would meet one day. But Practically, I only want to miss her, look her and live in her but not want to get her. Reason! Leave it you would never get.

HOD put his thought, and I put mine, this was all in front of another students, and I won the debate. But I did not satisfy from this doing. Because I heard not to debate with elders, teachers and parents. This make me very shameful and decided not to do this in my future.

Now, I get familiar with HOD, Labtech and students, but I never familiar with my teachers. What was the reason, I don’t know?

The confidence was very high now a days. I gave my job interview, get selected. But get looted by companies, actually I used to go in consultancy companies which takes money for their service, I did not know this before. I and another friend were looted about two or three times. So, I decided to try in that companies which are through college reference.

Again, there was the entry of that girl from Delhi. I get informed before when she comes, by my friends; as I used to share my hyperbolic thought that I would provide Red carpet and decorate the whole college and whatever. But that was not real, I have no feeling for him, yes! You can say that was only for entertainment, for enjoyment so that I can talk to those more.

A friend had told about me to her, what I used to say to him about her. As she came, I was keen to talk to her, but I was searching for a reason.

After 11o’clock of that morning, we have to take the lecture of maths in second building. We were going to take the lecture, in the way, we were talking loudly and making the joke of each other. Suddenly, I feel thrust, I urged my friend to follow the path, where I can drink water. She had water; she offers me. But I refused and thanked her. Soon I start conversation with her.

Now that hate was lower, I thought I should give an offer to change my mindset. Soon, I get informed that She will come every Friday. The excitement was very much but something was stopping me. When She comes on Friday, I use same dialogue of red carpet and whatever on chat with a friend on Thursday.

That was the time, when I spend more time with girls because they were in the contact of my group, but I was not interested in those, as I was bound of. Soon the conversation of that Girl converts with an unwanted flirting. One day I drink water from her water bottle, this was the first time, when I drink water from others water bottle.

Soon that girl, from whom I chat on a messaging app, becomes my good friend. I share more than normal things with her, not my problem, but my future ideas, my dreams. But more than these I used to entertain her, as saying jokes or funny thoughts of my mind. I do not know that I may too much familiar with unknown girl. Actually, there phycology works that people say true in night, as mind gets tired. Don’t know who was free for each other. But I realized an issue, I feel when I messages her first, she replies and chats me hourly. This was happened many times. Due to my self-respect, I want to leave her also.

Except my company, which gives a direction, who were passed intermediate recently but have not idea what to do next; here two another friend were working with me, I was writing blogs, memes, joke sharing, comedy script writing, poems and stories writing, writing a book browsing the new ideas for business, actively involved in politics, and share my thoughts and ideas, and about my day on WhatsApp status, This was giving me a incredible power. I was preparing for that direction, where the successful politician lies. Everything was fine.

But a day, A person laughed on me saying this,’ Your jokes are very boring’ and whatever with the guy of civil and his friend. I used share on friend timeline for the traffic. Here, one of my Facebook friends was child-scientist, I never talked to him directly or indirectly, and I share my post in his timeline, I warned me many times not to do share on his timeline. And one day, a man from my group also said me in a funny way that you share all the day doing in your status. That girl from Delhi also laughed with my group, saying,’ I don’t look his status, Only I do tap’ so that she cannot watch these but may visit. These all make me very disguised and I stopped my all these doing and also leaved those all who make me disguised. But that time, an only person who was my schoolmate, understand me and praised my thought and figures; I don’t know that was true or not, but really very positive attitude I got. Now the months were passed but I didn’t talk. I dislikes those all, but I was sure one day I would get successful in my way.

I was normal person, but some incident made me hard, a so much hard who never picked up a falling person, who wants to listen nobody, no worries about my future, forgive nobody for their doing, even he couldn’t get, what made me hurt, because I was searching a friend who understand me, I can share everything without any hesitation, My problems, my thoughts, my idea, my plans everything. This was the time, when RAVAN enters into me.

Otherwise before this many accidents happened, one day a girl also slapped me for no reason, I did not mind. Some times many un-naturally things happened with me. But Now self-respect turns into my proud.

Another reason of minding and leaving that girl was, I was get attracted to her, she comes in my dreams many times, but I don’t want to love with her because this same thing has been happened in my history and I lost a believe. Till to that day, I decided not to love anybody.

I was searching for a job, not for permanent earning, but I want to buy a phone at any cost. I went to an Electronics company which was offered by another consultancy company, may be that was also fake. So, I taught for buying my phone, the experience in teaching was not good. But The important thing was I get success for doing this, and I buy the latest version phone by own earning. I was very happy on this day.

The common thing was that I enjoyed where I went, in company for job, in visiting places or any place.

One day, I went to Delhi Technical University, for Ethical hacking workshop. I did not get the environment as I imagined. I imagined that “I am going to Delhi which is big city, I will meet very good and high standard people, There I will get a special environment, which suits me”. Another problem was my imagination, I imagine more than reality, this caused problem and I can not find interest in that place, because there I don’t get that environment which I expect. There were those boring persons, who were taking interest in their self. The environment was fully out of interest and expectation. So, I and my friend decided to capture the pictures of each other, in the lunch time. Here we learn less than I expect, but full of interest. I know how can steal the data. I did this practical on those who I know. I hacked the Facebook account of more than six users, even the Gmail account of HOD, another foreigner friend, whose account is login in my phone till today. But this was only for impression that I can do and smarter than you, otherwise I did not do any wrong with those social account. The classmates appealed me to teach them this technique. I replied in yes bus I did not teach those as I promised to my trainer, another reason was not to teach them was, they were not interested in real, As I feel.

When the semester result came, my result was not good. I secured very few marks. This affect my group, as I feel they were starting to ignore me. As they persons do not want to talk to me. Not shares important things which have in college. This make me more diligent about my work. I get to know that if I got fail, I will lose those people as World like to have only successful person. This was the first time that I got to understand that what was going on, for me. But I want to prove them wrong.

Overall, the 2^nd year was very good, I get my new life there, full of confidence, my luck was with me, this convert an always scared guy into a glowing guy, who was fulfil of energy to true his dream, A dream of Prime Minister, A dream of IPS, A dream of Entrepreneur but common of those was, to never die even after death, i.e. I want to be popular. How, I did not know, Why, I don’t know. But I want this at any cost.

3^rd Year: A Confusing year

(The story turns to a depressed point. If you can read a sad story, only than read, Otherwise thanks. because you never get an interesting after this till end. Author is not responsible by any means)

Third year was very confusing year for me, this is because I did not get the people and people did not get me. What I was doing, nobody gets.

Every thing was fine till second year, but the building of us got upset, As the student from Final year were busy in their project and somebody was placed in company. So there left only five to six students, because my classmates were also not come to college regularly, teachers did not teach regularly, even I did not like to study. Everything was very disgusting. The downfall in my happiness has been come.

That was the time of Parliament Election, there was the noise of both parties i.e. BJP and Congress, Candidates from both sides were accusing each other. But I wanted to bring the truth to everyone. I have started writing after three to four months. My writing was directly attack on then government. This made many classmates very anger, because many were supporting that. Many people, who were my classmates, directly accused me, that I am confusing the people. They attacked me personally. I did not lose my hope of changing mindset of the people, but I failed in this. A person attacked me that I am terrorist, and supports Kashmiri, who attacked on our security force. I was broken at this. Another of those, who was very closed to me in first year; get one of most hated persons, as he starts attacking me with his friend, by messaging me or by personally meeting. He talks to me today, and I also; But, heartly, no, never. Mostly I replies only, sometimes late, sometimes I don’t. Maybe I reply because he was my seatmate in First Year and another reason was that One day, he knew my weak nerve. He gets to know that girl, from whom I love very much, till today. He played a role of mediator as his friend knows both, me and that girl. Then, I want to talk to her at any cost. I urged him. After many days, I get the Facebook Account. This was really very big day for me. I message her as ‘hi’. But the wait was, for her reply. She did not reply for many days. There was now only hope from him. After a month I got the message, the message was from that girl. We chatted, but end was, ‘never talk to me, this is my Brother’s phone’. I understand what she wanted to say. I did same. But the shocking was, she blocked me for no reason. After I met that boy, I get to know that, she felt that I don’t know her, but I was flow in feeling. Really, there was something wrong at my face, was feeling as same as I get wounded. But what to do….

Now, my hobbies get changed, as I used to make joke on people, and laugh on them for no reason. Many times, HOD says, that I laughed for no reason, I am broken internally, perhaps he was right. Many reasons were behind on this, but surely that was not love but for this reason was at my home, this may be possible. Perhaps My Internal RAVAN was very big now, as I stand alone in any path, no support required to me. I hate support, giving or taking. When some falls, I did not become his support specially belongs my family. I don’t want to discuss my family. Why? This is not important. Although they persons love me very much, how I get this, you have to wait for this.

Now, I was not only Proud, but I want to become a bad man. One who can never trust anybody, helps nobody, and always doing ill.

The situation gets very worst day by day, my behaviour also getting changed, I used to be upset. I think too much about the saying of people, some night could not let me sleep. But this did not affect my face glow, my face was always full of smile. Because I knew that nobody helps you, in this world all are selfish, specially for who, who is weak, who is alone. Perhaps this is real. I want to become a good friend, but even now I did not understand the value of person; So, I thinks, who is waste, should be in dustbin. I understand the people as tissue paper, use and throw, this means I talk people only temporary, not to use for my work or I was selfish.

These days, I was very disturbed. I hate loud voice specially in the public place. When Some one-use loud voice or crying on me, this made me very angry. My mother, my father, my siblings were not getting my problem, as I did not feel good to discuss to them. When they persons say something, my temperature gets very high. Sometime I say those words to them, which they don’t like. Again, they person cries on me, and matter got very serious. I really hate the world except myself. Perhaps this was because I really love my dreams, so I want to live. I get inspiration from my dreams. This was the second time in my life that I start to hate my life, but I want to true my dreams, I want to be an IPS officer and this only saved my life.  I was finding temporary solution to overcome this situation.

One day, I was buying something at college stationary shop. The window to contact was very small, hardly two persons can stand at a time. Suddenly, that lateral entry girl with her friend came on that window and ask for chocolates from the shopkeeper, who was busy to search something, which I demand. I was standing at my place. Perhaps for this reason, her voice was not audible to shopkeeper. She cried on me, “NIKHIL HATT NAA”. This made me very hurt, because I hate when someone cries me for no reason, specially when I am at public place. I decided to get rid from all those. I start blocking those all persons whom I dislike. She was also in this list.

Time passed by, those days I was in the contact of Diksha Goyal, she was that married friend and flirt me very much, her loving talks sometimes bored me but have to reply her for a reason. One day, I was chatting her in the college; a person, who was my hating person, and the class topper, have seen this. But did not judge my chats and character. He thinks that I was chatting with classmate. As I blocked her, I tell him same. He wanted proof and I show but he captures video of this doing and I got understand the matter. I told him to delete this.  He deletes this, but said to that classmate about all this. This girl come to me next day, and apologized me for that doing, which she has forgotten. I said okay and unblocked her, but did not forgive her because I never forgive anybody either he is how much important.

I used to talk or saying important thing to others, I felt that this is safe for me. Sometimes I talk with foreigners, may be these gives me an energy, knowledge, satisfaction and I feel safety. A girl from Kenya, Sadie Parker, was very good friend of me. When I talk to her; really, I get very good feeling. I called her Miss. Google as she knows everything what I asks to her, but may be more than Google.

She proposed me in a very loving way. I also accepted her. Now, she has become my first girlfriend. My shits were become my introduction. She used to call me on my contact number. I remember, I didn’t reply her call. Because I was not to talk with a girl on phone till now, and I can’t say this to her.

We become to know each other very well. As she was the student of Economics, she asked me notes and books. I provided her. One day, I made her spoof and asked her for her Gmail Password and the funny was that, she gave me. I want to access her Google Photos account so that I can get the current information. But I forgot that the data bundle was very costly there. One day, I want to recharge his number, but I did not.

This was about two years long, but in this year; I lost her because of my kidding, or you may say it was false. I promised her to buy a phone for her and this was said for only kidding. I did not know that she would believe that a student can buy a phone for her. Now, I had read her mind. She wanted phone at any cost and I don’t want to lose her. She asked me daily about the status of phone. I send her the picture from OLX. But she was too sharp that she recognises that false. This was continuation for more than three months and after this he block me and never talk to me.

This did not affect me, may be this all was socially. At this time, many of Facebook friends were in my contacts. But some of those I never forget. If you know by name those were Nidhi Vardhan From Bihar, Aparna Chakraborty from West Bengal, Diksha Goyal from Sikkim, Vishakha Bansal from Saharanpur, some of those are from Vietnam, Chau Diem, and many more. But slowly all get lost. But from those I miss Nidhi Vardhan more, and sometimes this affects me. The relationship except Facebook friend, was of sharing memes, videos, photos and sometimes recipes of foods, Twitter follower, Insta follower and don’t know whatever. I remember, she used me to block for no reason, and this made me disgusting. One day, she blocked me on Twitter and made the video for all this, As I like to use twitter more than another apps, she sent me video of blocking also. I laughed on this for few minutes, and then I blocked her, but after sometime, I unblock her and she blocked me and start chatting on Instagram. I did not know her craziness. But One day She called me, ‘PAGAL’. As I neither say ill words nor can hear. Due to my self-respect, I leaved her. After a month, I give her another offer to talk to me, but she was changed now, and said,’ leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you more.’ I blocked her and never unblock her.

Suddenly One day I got a call, I picked, the quotes were, “Nikhil! Are you there?”. “Yes” I replied. “Are you free?” “Yes” “I have surprized for you” “what?” “Next Voice will be of your love” “I don’t want to talk.” I said and hung up the phone.  But in real, I want to hear her voice. But I don’t like to talk in front of that boy and even I dislike him.

In the college, I was alone, now I was in life also. I started to hate my parents, my siblings, my group member and everybody for no reason. I spend my time on social media, and chats to unknown on Spin the Bottle dating app. I discuss about my aloneness to my group members and they persons said that they were my friends. They clarify that I was with them in the project also. But I was doubt on those.

One day, when I was going in the bus to Delhi for Job Interview, I talked to a man besides my seat, as my nature of talking unknowns and get information. He introduced himself as Inspector in UPSRTC. I share my dream as a politician wisely without naming me. He suggested me that there is no career in this line. Only few were satisfied in this line, who were at good post and explained me briefly. This turned me from my dream. I decided to do side business to be politician, so that If I failed, I could not ruin.

Before this, when I was going in the Train for visiting Delhi Zoo, Akshardham Temple and Lotus Temple. My group was discussing about Indian Politics. A person got middle of us and asked me who was good politician. I support Arvind Kejriwal, then Chief minister of Delhi and Founder of Aam Aadmi Party. I told him proudly about my choice. He started a debate with me for no reason and count me the evils. I was adamant on me. There was a lot of heated debate between us. I felt these cause a fight between us. The people were looking us. The matter took very big state. At last I win the debate, but I promised myself not to do any debate with anybody.

Next day, HOD of ECE asked for my absence. I told him right. HOD is very interesting person. He feels a family member with me. Some times he takes my suggestion as which phone is good to me. Sometime I entertained him by cracking jokes, as my hobby; funny incidents, sometimes I said false. Actually, HOD have no book or notes to teach, so he spends time with us, he does not teach while sit like an owner. However, I was very supportive, supports us in various evils. Now, HOD asked me how was the day? I describe about my day and that debate also. He laughed and advised me to leave the politics as there is no career. I replied that if everybody thinks like this then how we aspects for a literal PM. HOD join both hand on this reply in the front of all six or seven students.

But I decided to leave this temporarily, and would be enter after another side income.

In Euphoric, I was pushed to work as Discipline Co-ordinator. I become reason was to get a certificate, although I did not get. I control all the situation. But more than the duty, I enjoyed this day. I remember I have eaten too much in the noon and some of students left hungry. For those, Food was arranged, but I ate twice. Even with the teacher and his wife. Yes! This is very odd to see. But I enjoyed. My stomach was filled up.

In the evening, my duty was on the ground, where the celebrity has to come. The celebrity was Ami Mishra, A Bollywood singer, who give hit songs to us. But he could not entertain us and student get bored. For going to home as there was too night, they started to leave the ground for food Pandal. I was also with those as I am a student except a co-ordinator. The student attacked on Pandal, causes the decrement in the food supply. And got every thing imbalanced. Result, the students have lost their patience and started to break plates. The situation gets over control. The management was in the consort ground. The situation has gone bad and students were abusing as they were not let to leave the college campus. Now, the teachers also blaming the management system and management system was blaming the food contractor. But my group have eaten hardly from the faculty food pandal. I was not so hungry and can eat at my home; So, I let to eat my group. They eat after that I ate. Really, this was very hard day for every student, faculty and management system also.

The next day, A teacher want to ask, what was happened that day. As my leadership, I was representative of students. I replied him a very hard and funny way, and counts the evils in that programme. He said well done and offered me to put these before management persons. This make me scared and I turned my foot on this.

I know that day, when there have to a special type activity that we have to speak two minutes on a random topic. Many students put their thoughts. When my chance came, this made me scared, as I never stand in the front to too much people. I never stand on stage. But I give the speech. And really that was third grade. But I didn’t give up. I decide to try next time. Just after me a person also give his speech. He become too under confident that he made the people laugh by his activity.

After this, I give my audition in Auditorium for mimicry. I was very scared on this day. I got selected. But, On the stage, I was under confident. I did practice for this. But the result was very bad, although persons of my group cheers me and some laughed on me. A person said that if you can’t do, why do you do? For making people laugh why? Another said that, you did your shits here, what happened to you on the stage? This make me distract and I promise myself not to do any this kind of activity which does not suits to me. Really It was very bad experience for me.

I realize that I was very far forward than those who never try and give up before the problem. I was very brave, but people’s talks really affect me. But this need to be change. How? Don’t know. People suggests me not to do this. I feel this is all good for saying, but not practically. But until try, I can not success in my way.

Second case was that, whenever they persons get the homework from HODs or Faculties, the directly hand over to me or urged those to handover me that work. As they know, I like writing. They handover me the task of writing. I don’t know that what is the matter. I write all the day even sometimes in the night, they enjoy their good life.

But every member of that group even all the classmates believe me a very much, as they person describe me. The case was started in the beginning of year. I need Digital money, but I have physically. He provided me his own debit card digitally. This was very huge respect of my ideals and values. And this made me very satisfy towards my work.

This was the time, when my group was breaking. The persons were not satisfied with each other. I don’t want that this will be break. I work as mediator. I want to bind this group at any cost. I was trying continuously, but this made me stopped when the one person said that I am backbiter indirectly. I never aspect this. and again, the next promise was not to fall in between of two without their urging.

 

4^th Year: A learning year

I learnt many more in my last year of the course. I see many up-down in this year. New Friends came, old were lost.

In the June 2019, we get order from college to do training, which was compulsory. Many were finding temporary solution, as they trying to get fake certificate of training by a nominal fee. I was not in those, I was trying continuously to earn, because I want to learn, except this I want to search job to get rid of my haters, maybe I want to leave my home. May be luck was with me. So, I get it soon, even I got selected to do training. When I was returning to home after the interview. I was feeling hungry, but want to do take food at home only. After forcing my friends, we decided to eat street food. That food did not suit me, and I feel ill and got hospitalized.

Here, I have to take the Training letter, which is provided by the college so that company can verify student. On the behalf of this only, company provides the training, as I promised to group members. But my words are indelible mark, I cannot take back foot from there. This was last day to take letter and I was forced by the continuous calling by members. They did not ask my condition while they told me those condition. Now, I decided to take this at any cost as I promise those. I appealed to doctor to free me as soon as possible. The doctor advised me not to take free as my condition was very low; and for going out alone, this was prohibited to me. But to break the promise was the against my rule, and for this I can cross all the limits for this, any limit; either it was against my health. I called to training and placement head regarding this topic, and ask the status of the letter, as It was last day to take. I went there alone with needle in my hands. Head get shocked after seeing my condition. She was very good by heart. She appealed me to write an application to get this, if it is possible. I wrote and she hand over me those letters of both persons, saying this I was very bold. I give a sweet smile on this.

Now, I realized that this is not easy to fulfil our commitment. Sometimes people can get benefit from this and they compromise you. This was the fourth time that I have realized that they people are using me. They do not worry about me; they want only their work.

Now-a-days we have another pressure regarding project. HOD instructed us to make a project on any topic regarding electronics, as our branch and submit the report immediately. As, we were four persons in my group, it was A boy from somewhere from MP, others were from Noida, a girl from Hapur and I. Although they out that girl from Hapur because she was doing coaching and can not participated much more in the Project, as she clarified. I was also doing my training in Ghaziabad, but soon I was going to get rid from this. Perhaps they take me in for using me. On the place of that girl, they choose a girl from Delhi, maybe for the reason was she was from Delhi and knows places to buy the model besides this she can help financially. I hated this girl. I told them about my problem, but they did not care. They do all the research, about topic, and even data base also. Reality was that I was busy those days, so I was not ableing to help those. Here, they persons hand over a work of writing and designing. I prepared the Report and synopsis in very unique way. Those data were inefficient to prepare even a synopsis, so I researched and add in this report. On asking the HOD for report next day, I handover this in softcopy, but he rejected this as this was very designing and some creative words, which was looking very odd. Now HOD ordered that some students have to prepare that project, which is suggested by him. I have gone very far away; back foot was impossible for me. So, I decided not to obey the HOD. My Group has been broken on this. Because They person want to secure good marks and representation before HOD. And I want to do follow my saying, as I promise. I did not worry about my career because all was in the hands of HOD. HOD warned us also, saying this you will get pass but not secure good marks by me. This saying breaks my group. Two of those, were broken, as they get in the support of HOD. I was stand strongly on my way, because to renege is against my rule.

Before this, As I heard; They had placed order to prepare that model, they gave a five hundred rupees in advance for this. But, after hearing HOD, they want to get rid of the cost of the model, and want to take back their money, perhaps they have already collected before. I was not participated in this, as I was very far in place and doing work, so I was unable to attend the college. When I went to college one day before Examination. HOD was not in the good mood. He scolded us very badly as we did not take his project. In the indirect way, he cancelled our project. But, two of that group were not favour in decision of HOD, I was also including in this group. HOD also prepared himself to make that project, by hook or by crook. The battle between HOD and us, has been started. We were ready for every doing. Because the Battle was not only for project while this was between truth and false, right and wrong, and haughtiness and self-respect.

I lost two soldiers in this battle, may be this was very good for us and we got free to fulfil more wish. But I want winning in this battle at any cost. One soldier from the group said to me, “Nikhil! I don’t want to lost you, but I will not participate in this Project longer.” I replied, “Okay!!!” I also didn’t want to lost him, because he became very close to me in three years. I did not predict the future. Till now I did not understand that what is going on in their mind, but aware from unhappening. I was in the contact of both those. But Next day, one soldier, who said these words, coming to me and ask me One thousand rupees for emergency and said,” I will return these soon, If I can’t return, ask from She, as I have given him in advance.”  I could not return his mind till now, so I gave him. He ordered me and those other two in the evening. I went as instructed in the evening, but the timing of those two and I, were not same; So, I wait for those. They have prepared his step and I was not ready. We all went in the HOD cabin at a time. HOD instructed us to prepare his project. There we all four have to prepare two projects, this means two person per project. I partially accept HOD proposal, because another group member was absent that day, maybe she was angry, what was done in morning.

In the morning, there happened quarrel between that my 3 years friend and my current group member. The reason was- In spite of we were four members in the project group, they two soldiers do not enter at battle ground. We two fight together. When another member of new group called them, they not even picked up. Perhaps this made her angry. When she called him after the battle, His words were not natural. He talked to me after the call. His words were- “I am not slave of any. Why she was crying upon me? Who is she mine?” But I ignored him as I was not favour of any. Because I always with Him, she was very new for me, and very closed to Him. I did not interfere in their business, I feel that they will join together one day, and you will be bad for everybody; what I don’t like to be. He said again to me, “Nikhil! I don’t want to leave you, but their will be only two members in the group. I’m not saying, HOD said to me.” I didn’t reply to him, but listening the carefully his unnatured words.

Now, I was standing with my new group member, that was she whom I hate and blocked, and did not forgive her for her doing, even after apolozing me. Now, I was talking her because she was equal participant in my group. Perhaps we were doing discussion, what was, I did not remember. Topper of the class, my hating person, come to me for listening our talks and start taunting us, “Nikhil! You know, one day you blocked her. Now, you are talking with a very good interest!” This made me very exciting. But I ignored him again.

When we were going from college in the evening, my lover soldier said to me, “Nikhil! I don’t want to lose you but I will not participate in your group longer as I said before, but you will also not participant in our group, which is made by HOD recently, you refused to HOD, and ask for another project, which you both can make. BECAUSE WE ARE MAKING BOTH THE PROJECT ALLOTTED BY HOD, IF THE FIRST PROJECT WILL COMPLETE, WE WILL PREPARE SECOND. AND THE MONEY WHICH YOU HAVE LENT ME IN THE MORNING, TAKE FROM HER (my group member).” Now, I have understood all the things, what was going on from two days. They don’t want to admit me in the group, and want to separate themselves from the group, and have returned his money from me. This give me a very big shock. I was standing silent there for a while. I did not expect from those, even I imagine never. Immediately I called my colleague and tell him about this. A very big shock was given to her also, maybe more than me. This made me fully broken. I have to handle one another except me. This made me double power to fight, but reality was that how would a wounded soldier fight from too much enemies, and for how much time. I did not know what to do, why to do, and how to do? But I have to do. Not for my winning, or for this I don’t want to make another project, or I was greedy as my money has been spend; But for this, they betrayed me, they played with me, they reject my project, they rejected me, they rejected Nikhil Sharma, who was always present for their help, Yeeeeesssss! That was beneficence, mine!!!! On those!!!”. My RAVAN has been waked. I was out of control and RAVAN was controlled over me. This want Kingdom. Kingdom of ‘pass only this project’. On that day, I get nerve of that project. Within a night, I got very much information about this project. Infect, I was going to replace this components with new. I did not see over increasing cost of the project. But I needed to see the second side of the group. So, I was putting the step slowly and wisely, but strongly. 

This Journey is paused for a while until I feel better, Sometimes It's become very harder to remember that incident, But Promise, I will overcome that situation, and will fight myself to put this story towards the World.